Disqualified.

Please, tell me. Am I a bad person because I'm trying to figure life out? Am I a bad person because I have a tattoo and am planning on getting more? Am I bad because I have friends who aren't Christians? Am I a bad person because I DON'T only listen to Christian music? Am I a bad person because I don't mind when people swear and don't force my beliefs on others, shoving it down their throats until they feel uncomfortably awkward?


It feels like people define your moral status on silly things like.....swearing......or tattooing/piercing your body.......or the music you listen to. And I know it's ridiculous, but it's true. Or they judge you on your past when you screwed up beyond what you could tell the world. But you are only yesterday's girl/boy if you live for yesterday. Live for a better tomorrow. And be the best you. .....But sometimes it's disappointing knowing that people judge you on such a shallow level. You get a tattoo and all of a sudden you're a bad influence. OR you get a tattoo and JUST BECAUSE nobody could ever expect you to do such an "extreme" thing, you were influenced by someone who's a "bad influence." Or just because you don't have the exact beliefs or thoughts that you did when you were ten, you are so much different. I don't know.....maybe it's just me. .....And the sad thing is, I never thought I would be the person that people thought that of. ha! But I guess things happen.


I think most of my teenage years....and life, I was really afraid to do certain things, because I didn't want to disappoint the people around me. That's such a chained up belief. Where's the individuality? I remember a few people talked to me about how they weren't sure how to tell their parents....or their friends.....or their loved ones in general something, because they were so afraid of how they would take it. And I would say "They're going to love you no matter what. Love isn't that weak." And I think everything has been made more complicated than that. Humans do fail. We have a hard time loving......sometimes when the people crying out for it need it the most. We all fail. We all make mistakes--some bigger than others. We shouldn't aim towards making mistakes, we should try to always better ourselves....but sometimes we make mistakes. I think the difference, though, in all of this is what our aim is. What are we looking at on this journey? Are we looking at the acceptance from the people around us.....anyone really? Are we looking at the rules we have to follow? Are we staring, insecurely, at the fears that have held us back.....and are continuing to hold us back? What's your aim at?


There are so many things that we don't understand in this world. There are SOOOO many opportunities to just be an average joe and settle for looking at people with the SAME exact eyes that everyone else--society, even religious beings--look at. But really, what makes us any different than the person to the right of us? I talked to my kids at youth group about looking at people with different eyes. Honestly, it's hard for me. It has been REALLY hard for me in the past year. Maybe since senior year, actually. It's hard when you have a reality of what people have been to you, to other people, and to look past that. Let's be real? It's hard. But I gave the example (thanks to my friend) of looking at people with dirty glasses. I brought out an old pair of my glasses, smudged with lotion all over them. They were really hard to see out of. I mean, you could see people and things somewhat--it wasn't COMPLETELY opaque. But you couldn't see the details of them. You couldn't see the freckles on their face, the brightness in their eyes, the lines around their eyes. You couldn't' see past the basics of their physicality. Then I made them look through really clean glasses. You could see the specks in their eyes. You could see things that made them look different than everyone else. Ultimately, you could see them much more clearly than you could with the last pair.


Why do we look at people with such shallow expectations? We look at people and judge them so harshly. We see that that have tattoos on their body--oh, they must automatically be rebellious. We see that they don't have a good job--oh, they must automatically be under qualified. We see that they never went to college--they must be extremely ignorant. We see their age--they must not understand. We see their past--they must be bad people. We see that they swear or that they believe differently than we do or even that they smoke or drink......they must automatically be horrible people. We need too STOP looking at people in such a shallow way!! You are not rebellious just because you have tattoos. You are not under qualified just because you couldn't get a good job. You are not ignorant just because you never went to college. You are not a bad person just because you have a past. You are not a horrible person just because you swear, or just because you smoke or have a drink once in a while. Stop disqualifying people!! Everyone has a past! Everyone has messed up in one way or another. Let alone, everyone has screwed up to your standards. I'm not saying that we should lower our standards, necessarily. I'm saying that we need to stop, and take in the beauty around us. It's really hard. I've learned this growing up (umm.....as I still am...). I have a really hard time, sometimes, not saying something bad about someone who's hurt me. Honestly, that's really hard for me. And more than that, it's extremely hard for me not to look at someone differently because of what they've done to me. It's human. I'm human. Sometimes I slip, and say things that I shouldn't have said about them. I'm trying to fix that.....but that doesn't mean I won't screw up on occasions. But how are we different? I think we need to start looking at the good in people. That's a quality of love. It's a quality that I used to have and use REALLY easily. It never was extremely hard for me. And even when it was, I still pushed myself to believe what I thought was right--that everyone needed love, no matter what state they were in. But I think as you get older, that principle gets harder. We need to stop disqualifying people, just because they look different, believe differently, or are different in general than we are.


Someone said recently that we need to stop claiming that we're Christians if we don't act like it. I think, honestly, I don't want to act like a lot of Christians do. I've known a lot of Christian who have been EXTREMELY judgmental, and have disqualified people just because they were different. A lot of Christians (don't get the idea that all do, though, because that's not true) throw the knife at decent people who aren't the same in their beliefs as they are. I want to act like a Jesus. I want to love people, no matter what their body looks like. I want to love people no matter what their past is. I want to love people, beyond what qualifies them for love. ....Dig deep and get to know their heart. It's time to stop being shallow and looking at the parts that really shouldn't disqualify them for love. It's easy to put someone down if you don't have the same issues as they do. Step in someone else's shoes and learn to love beyond what you're limited to seeing. We aren't God. We don't know everything.


Challenge of the day for me. It's not always easy, but it's love, the way I believe it's supposed to be.

Blast From the Past...

Wow, so.....the other night I was searching through my room for an empty notebook for me to start writing a story in......and I came across one of my old journals from 2008. It's almost mind boggling how much your attitude can change in just two years....and how much more complicated life can get within two years--or maybe how much more complicated you REALIZE things are within two years. It's funny, though, how I had a little glimpse of God's grace back then. I don't even think we were talking about it in the beginning of 2008. I guess I knew back then that nothing that I could ever do would make God not love me anymore--maybe I just didn't KNOW it....This is what I wrote....


March 12, 2008

Today at school there was a speaker from YWAM (Youth With A Mission), and something he said sparked a thought in me. He was talking about the reality of heaven and hell and how he heard a speaker talk about a visit he had to heaven. When he got to heaven, angels were around him, welcoming him into the most glorious place ever created. Men, women, and children were attacking him with hugs, telling him how much they missed him. He didn't remember meeting any of them before that. The thought that sparked in my head was the mark we leave in this world. A smile, a "hello", a simple hug can mean the world to someone. Something so simple like that can leave a mark bigger than you could imagine. Not everyone will tell you the difference you made in their life. As Christians, shouldn't we be the ones "turning the world upside down"? People have a limitation of happiness. I, as a Christian--actually, better yet, I as a follower of Christ have all the reason to be joyful. Things don't always go my way, but God is my biggest fan club. Psalm 139:17-18 says that I'm always on God's mind. He is in love with me, and nothing I can do will ever change that. That alone is the source of my joy.


When will the world see the transparency of us? When will we as Christians be overflowing with a joy that isn't based on emotions that last hours but is based on a hope that is eternal? And when will we show them?
~11:18pm

Too big to contain.....

I feel like we box God's love too much.....



I feel like we make His love conditional.....like we add too many "buts" to His love--"He loves EVERYONE BUUUUUUUUUUUUT....."


John 3:16-17 says ""This is how much God loved the world: He gave his Son, his one and only Son. And this is why: so that no one need be destroyed; by believing in him, anyone can have a whole and lasting life. God didn't go to all the trouble of sending his Son merely to point an accusing finger, telling the world how bad it was. He came to help, to put the world right again." (The Message)


God didn't send his Son--the SAVIOR of the world--to point an accusing finger at the world to tell them how bad they are......He came to help the world to make things okay. And He did that because He loved us. Perfection.....or "Perfection" doesn't necessarily qualify you. And your past doesn't disqualify you. You are beautiful. I'm done with the "buts". You are beautiful.....you are lovely.....you are loved. God loves you--no buts. He loves you. In church yesterday I asked how to handle all this criticism from other Christians. It's hard. It's hard to see someone you love being COMPLETELY and UTTERLY put down by Christians. It's offensive for me, honestly. And I've been a Christian my whole life. I've never really understood it. I know people who have been hurt by the church--let's face it, Christians can be mean-spirited. Maybe we have the right intentions sometimes.......it doesn't mean that things that we do aren't mean.


I was watching this talk show with my mom today, and there was a guy on it who had a REALLY bad past. He did drugs for over 20 years, he screwed himself up a lot. But.....he got his life turned around......and you could just feel his love for everyone. And I don't know if you guys have people in your lives who you can just instantly feel the judgment-free love from.....but he was that type of guy. And it's inspirational. I want to be that. It's hard to try to be a "good Christian" by following everything to the T......we all mess up. (I don't think we should intentionally try to get ourselves in trouble--naturally, it just affects us) But you're no less of a person if you've messed up. I don't know.....maybe I'm just babbling. I'm just so tired of people feeling like they're not good enough because of the labels that we've put on them over the years. It's time for the compassion. But moreover, I think it's time to really realize just how much God loves you.


The Song of Solomon (one of my favorite books of the Bible....) is a love story about a king and his lover--a Shulamite woman. In the beginning of the book, King Solomon tried to pursue her and would name specific things about her--from head to toe that he loved......but she was kind of resistant saying things like "My skin is too dark.....my brothers were horrible to me and made me stay out in the sun too long.....and now my skin is too dark". She had a hard time receiving it. But by the end of the book, her lover didn't give up on her. He kept trying to show her just how much he was absolutely in love with her. And eventually she realized it.....and things were beautiful. We've been the Shulamite woman too long--not only Christians.....It's time to open the door to your Lover and embrace the love He has for you. He is a big God......and He loves you more than you could ever fathom. Open your eyes and see the beauty around you. You are more than enough for His love. And He will NEVER stop loving you. Your past will not make Him stop loving you. So, open your eyes and be open to it......you never know what will happen....

Love (May 20, 2010 and June 30, 2010)

So, "love" seems to be the theme of this week. I really like writing. I like expressing myself through the things I write. Sometimes I write things that are REALLY personal--things that I feel like I can't vent to the world......like I said, it's my judgment free zone. And so, it's a therapy for me. It makes me feel good. So back in May, I started writing about love. I actually "journaled" three separate passages in my notebook about it. This was one of them.

It's funny how hardships seem to make you realize how much you love others and are loved by others. In the Bible it says that God's made strong in our weaknesses, and I think in a way, that's a quality He's passed down to His children too. I like how Joel Osteen describes us "inheriting things from God." He talked about a boy he went to school with, and how that boy's father had big ears. So, the boy would constantly make fun of his dad's (who was also.....their baseball coach?) ears, because that was one thing that, at the time he didn't inherit from his dad. Years later, Joel bumped into him, and he gained those big ears too. It was a dormant trait. I think a lot of things are dormant traits passed on from Papa that come out eventually. I'd like to think so, at least.

But I think a good friend will be made strong when his/her friend is weak. It's a sign of love and selflessness. When someone you love is going through something you'll put yourself and your fears aside for them. Or you should, rather. (I can say for myself, it's not always the easiest or most natural thing for you to do.) So many people have put themselves and their pride or a piece of themselves aside for me this year. And many people have consistently done it throughout my life. They showed selflessness and proved that they value me.

I'm currently reading a "strange facts/Q&A" book called "What Makes Flamingos Pink?", and right now I'm on the animal kingdom section. Something that it said about zebras was "If a family member becomes separated or lost for some reason, the other zebras in the family will search for it. The family will also adjust the speed of its travel so that the old and weak can keep up with the group." If one of of the zebras gets disconnected from the group, the group will stop what it's doing to look for the missing zebra. If the older and weaker zebras can't keep up with the speed, they'll adjust it to make sure that everyone can stay together. They put themselves after their family. I think that's how it's supposed to be.....why does it constantly feel so hard to? With me, my friends and some of my family has adjusted their speed so I could keep up with the group. They sacrificed their time for my happiness. When I got lost, they stopped what they were doing to find me. It's funny how animals do this naturally, and sometimes for humans it's a stretch. But I think that's how love is supposed to be.

One quality of love is selflessness. We're supposed to be selfless and put the ones we love first--but that's not what we're told in this world. The world tells us to think about yourself first, have your own back at all times, make sure you get ahead. Sometimes it's really about making sure your loved ones aren't getting separated from the group.....or even about adjusting the speed for those who can't keep up with you. It's not always about finishing the race first. Sometimes it's more important to finish the race at all......with the people you love the most by your side. It's about making a mark in this world the right way. It's about valuing the ones who you love. It's about making sure that those same people you love are doing okay, and doing EVERYTHING in your power to make sure that they're still walking, and if they're not, it's about adjusting the speed for them. Maybe that's the basis of life. You're supposed to love and help. I think it goes deeper than that--just saying "to love" is pretty vague. But that's the part I'm trying to figure out. That's the part that a lot of us are trying to figure out.

Love is mean to be selfless. Sometimes it's not even about your reputation.....as a Christian.....as a person. I've always had a hard time with that. I've always had a very hard time knowing that if I screwed up, I would have judgmental eyes staring me down. If I screwed up, certain people would look at me differently and respect me less. Well, you are not God. You have no say on if I'm a screw up or not, because I know that He looks at me and sees me as beautiful.....as loved......as the apple of His eye. I know that He favors me and accepts and approves of me. I don't need Christians confirming that for me. We put people on a pedestal too much. If God is for me....who can be against me? Love is willing to put past all your preconceived notions about what love really is.....and accept people the way they are.....EXACTLY the way they are. It doesn't try to change someone in order to accept them. Love doesn't LOOK for someone to change who they are......it accepts them the way they are. Why? Because love is meant to be unconditional--not conditional. Love looks at the best in people. Is it easy all the time? No. Not at all. Sometimes it's one of the hardest things to do. But in the end, it's worth it. I know that as a fact. Call me naive, but I'm confident in that.

Numero Uno--Ranting at 3 am

So, I haven't had a blog in.....what? Almost ten years? Okay....that's an exaggeration.....let's go with six. It's crazy. But I like writing, so I guess I'll share what I like to write with the world.


....I guess that means being vulnerable.
I've silenced myself for so long......well, here we go....

I hate it when Christians put down other people. I hate it so much. It makes me SOOOOO angry. And I know that usually it's with good intentions.....but that doesn't justify the actions. I think that too often Christians get SOOOO offensive about things, but when other people who AREN'T Christians offend them, they get all angry about it. And it makes me really angry. It makes me angry to hear people talk down about people I love--people who don't express their "Christianity" as well, as others......the "little people" in Christianity? Just because you know the Bible inside and out, it doesn't mean that you have all of life's answers. We have SUCH an amazing tool. We have SOOO much good that people teach us. Why do so many people use it in such a negative way? Why is love just a commonly used word? Why don't we know how to do it? Hello, Mirror....you're not looking too good today.....The only tangible reason I know love is because I have been shown it over....and over.....and over again....by those people I consider my family (not just blood...). I've been shown it not by all of the churches I've gone to or indirectly been involved in......but I've been shown love through the lack of judgment certain people have given me. The same people who have been compassionate to me all these years are the ones who have shown me real love. There are too many "if" "ands" or "buts" in love. There are too many "between the lines". We make people tap dance for our approval....well, stop. Is that really what Christianity is about? If you really want to win the world over, first look at the damage that we've done by hurting people...I think it's time to look see the world with a different pair of eyes.

"I like your Christ, I do not like your Christians. Your Christians are so unlike your Christ."--Gandhi